Diapers and Juice Cups

Do you ever struggle with who you want to be? Not just the kind of wife, mother, or friend you want to be, but deeper?  Deeper in your heart of hearts; do you ever truly battle with who you are and who you know desperately that you should be? Maybe it’s just me, maybe it is a personal battle that no one else faces, but something tells me that’s not true, (that if all Christians were honest with each other and themselves) that this is a battle we all face, that we all struggle and muddle through. For me it seems that the older I get the more I feel worn down by the battle. I thought the hard part was growing up, staying strong through high school, through boyfriends, peer pressure, and then College, but to be honest that was a breeze. Then I wanted nothing more than to be weird, to stand out, to be different, to be so in love with Jesus that my every move was an example of Him and his heart. But now as an adult; a mom and wife it seems that those wants get lost somewhere between the first diaper in the morning and the 50^th juice cup before bedtime. It seems that life keeps getting in my way. When there are trials it is easy to depend on and run to Jesus but when life is just moving alone at mock nine it seems almost impossible to get it right. The more I try to fix this the harder it gets. The more I try to focus on the goal the more my mind wanders. The deeper the longing is in my heart the louder the screams of the world become. The more my heart aches for Him the more I struggle through the battle, stumbling along the way. It is then in those struggles, when that powerful right hand of my Savior is lifting me up that I realize I am not alone. I cannot do this on my own. I am only me, one person. There are too many juice cups and diapers in the air for me to do this without help from Jesus himself. For me, letting go is often hard. Jesus often speaks to me through lightning bolts, so day-to-day can sometimes be overwhelming. I have no problem following in the hard times and trusting His plan, but when the hard stuff is over and the running turns to walking I often stumble. I forget to take time and thank Him for the normal day-to-day things. Walking with Jesus is a lifestyle and it requires daily participation. If I only take part in the hard times I will miss the good stuff, the love and companionship that can only grow and deepen through daily interaction. That is my goal, to go deeper. Today I am drawing the proverbial line in the sand. Today I am laying it all down and realizing that I am not alone, I am not strong, and without Him it doesn’t matter if I am walking or running, because without Him there is no reason to do either. Today I am acknowledging Psalms 63:8, “I hold on to you, and your powerful right hand takes care of me.” I want that more than ever, to let it all go and to just follow.

I hope maybe for someone this hits home. That my honesty and willingness to share my heart will remind you how blessed we are to walk and run with Jesus, how lucky we are to have a Savior who was willing to sacrifice everything for us. I hope you will take the challenge and decide to give Him your all, your everything, the desires of your heart, and the cries from your soul. Let Him have all of you, just sit back and watch, wait and see what awesome things He can do with all of us!